When we have been harmed early in our childhood by those that were supposed to love us most, it is difficult to trust the world and it is even more challenging to feel powerful in the face of more pain. There were several years where I felt like a victim, I believed I was a victim, I saw life through the lens of being a victim.
Sitting still and self-destructing in a place where it wasn't fair that I grew up with a grandmother that verbally, emotionally, and mentally abused me. I mulled around in the unfairness of my father becoming ill and dying slowly throughout my entire childhood. The abusive relationships, the colleagues that didn't work as hard as I did, the corrupt folks who had lots of money, all were indicators that life was unfair and even more specifically I was the ongoing victim of that unfairness.
That victim stance made me negative and it gave me the opportunity through justification to hurt others back. I made poor choices, took little care of myself, worked tirelessly as a martyr and was not honest. Judgment and negativity were items that I packed in my purse every morning. Drawing no one of substance near me, feeling completely lonely, stunted, angry, and seething, at some point, I decided to take my power back.
Thus began a journey of forgiveness, of my grandfather for standing by and watching the abuse unfold, for the chemical makers that produced all the chemicals that we suspect grew lymphoma in my dad, to the men who told me they were not married and were, to the colleagues who were too burned out and too honest to work as hard as I did. Forgiveness gave me the power back. Searching deep inside of myself for empathy and truth, for my own vulnerability and insecurities, gave me permission to search inside of myself for my true attributes and gifts. As I gave up a life of victim stancing, I became honest and strong.
When someone is critical of me now, I acknowledge the hurt I feel and I look closely and evaluate diligently where the truth is in their feedback. If there is care involved in the feedback, I take it very seriously, if the person doesn't care for me, I discard what doesn't serve me from their experience of me and I keep on believing in myself. People are not harming me because I deserve it as my grandmother led me to believe when she told me I was irresponsible, annoying, worthless, unattractive, immature, and attention seeking. She was harming me because she had been harmed and it was merely an experience that I went through.
It has been a few years now that I am no longer a victim of others. Wonderful people and superb opportunities have come my way because I own my destiny. This life is not easy and it is certainly not fair, but that is not personal toward me. No one deserves the challenges and difficulties that we must all go through, it is just part of life and growing. Daily, I treat people fairly now, I care for others, I have compassion for myself and I know my own strength. There is no need to take from anyone else, I have enough inside of me. I am no ones victim and no one is mine.